A Five Step Plan for getting WHAT YOU WANT at your child’s IEP.

Photo from Ben’s first ever yearbook at the LOTTERY WINNING school mentioned toward the end of the post.

I have been going to IEP’s for about 13 years now, since Benjamin started school at the early age of 3. For those who don’t know, IEP stands for “Individualized Education Plan”. It’s the place you get together with teachers, therapists, school administrators and parents to talk about and decide, what kinds of special services or school placements your child should have. Your special needs child.

It is well known for being something to FEAR and DREAD in the special needs community. For years I  have heard people talk about their horrible IEP’s, not only parents but teachers too. Yet, for MOST of the years I have been doing it, we have had BEAUTIFUL, PEACEFUL and WONDERFUL IEP’s. I can hear it now, many of you are saying, “How is that even possible???”

Well, I am going to share with you, how I handle it. What I do. What works for me. What works for me, might not work for you, or be your thing. But since it has worked well for me for the last 13 years, I figured I might as well share it, and maybe it will work for you too. Part of my 5 part plan is what to do if it DOES NOT go well for you. I can think of two times, that we had to fight. Two situations rather, more then two times, and I’ll share with you what we did. So here we go.

1. Kill them with Kindness.  APPRECIATE the people that are there to help your child. No, really.
I’ll never forget the first IEP meeting I walked into. There was Ben’s teacher, (Teacher Val), his speech therapist with the school, his private speech therapist, and several other people that we had become involved with throughout this process of getting him special help when he was quite young.  As I sat in that circle room, surrounded by these people, I started to cry. Not out of sadness though, out of Gratitude. And I spoke it, out-loud. “Wow” I said.  “Thank you all for being here. For caring about my son, and me, for taking the time to have this SPECIAL MEETING, (who everyone there was getting paid for and I knew it), about how BEST to help MY SON.”  Maybe I was a little naive back then, I didn’t realize the difficulties that come along with these meetings. Trying to find the money and resources to get the types of services that the parents think their kids need. I get it now, it’s not always easy, but at that first meeting, all I felt was love, and care. And guess what, I got everything I asked for at that meeting. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but I know we were asking for an unusual amount of Speech Therapy sessions. It didn’t have to be a slam dunk, but it was. So from then on, I started each IEP with the same sentiment. The same heartfelt appreciation to all who were there, and the assumption, that like me, they all wanted what was best for my son. And if it was possible to get it for him, we would get it.

2.  Come in prepared. Do the work.
Research, come in with papers and print-outs, highlighted. Your letters and recommendations from therapists and other teachers. Be smart. Show them you have put in the work, that you KNOW what you are talking about. If you are worried that they are going to try to NOT give you what you think is best for your kid, based on money reasons, they are less likely to fight you if you come in looking smart. Come in with EVIDENCE of why you think you need what you are asking for.  If you come in without all that, and just your verbal ideas, they will take you less seriously. You might not like that, but it’s true.

3.   Bring help.  Bring in your support system, your team, whatever, or whoever that is.
Bring someone to be strong when you are weak. Someone to speak up if you start to cry and get emotional. Someone to stop you and say, “we aren’t leaving until we get what we want. We won’t take no for an answer.” Admittedly, I have attended most IEP’s by myself. But the important ones, the ones where I knew we might have to fight, or I might cry. I brought Jason. I’ll never forget the first time we had to fight. There was a mean principal and she was trying to force us to change schools after we had to change houses and therefore cities after a house fire. We felt Ben had been through enough forced transition and changes, and to move him to a different school, away from the teachers and friends and environment that felt familiar to him, would be all wrong. Most agreed with us, but it was part of the protocol for him to move schools. And they had put up a very firm and serious front that we did NOT have any other options. We said no way. To that one, I brought my husband. At one point, I started to cry. Then he stepped in. He laid it down. Kind, but firm. He’s good at that. All Ben’s teachers and therapists who had never known him to be anything but super gentle and nice were so impressed. So was I. I will never forget that day. Ben didn’t have to move schools. 🙂

4. Pray and trust. Send Good Energy. Positive Vibes, whatever your tradition leads you to do. For me… It’s Prayer.
This might be second to last on my list, but it’s certainly not least. In fact, in order of appearance and importance, this should probably be first. No, it for sure should be first. Truthfully, I didn’t put it first because I didn’t want to scare those of you who don’t pray or believe in prayer to be scared off by the spiritual stuff and stop reading. I want this blog to be comfortable, and open to everyone. And sometimes, mention of God can scare people. But one thing you’ll learn about me, I have to be my authentic self. I believe in God, and in prayer. Remember, I’m not telling you what YOU SHOULD do, I’m just telling you what I do, and what I believe has led to my success in the matter.

Pray for WHATEVER is Best for your child. Guess what…. we don’t  ALWAYS know what’s best. Sometimes, the people working with our kids day in and day out in the school setting actually know better about some things. And sometimes, we need to position ourselves to accept what is best, even if it’s not we originally thought in our own minds. When we set that intention, in the BEGINNING, we can TRUST the outcome more. Or we can TRUST our ABSOLUTE opposition to it, and TRUST that a better outcome is on its way. The last time something happened in regards to Ben’s schooling, that I was VERY VERY upset about. It was when he moved from middle school to high school. As BEYOND upset as I was, I had a strange peace. I was upset because I felt that what had happened to Ben in regards to school, was very very wrong. But I also KNEW almost immediately that it was the means to an end. That we would get what we wanted in the end, and we would have to fight for it. But we had the people, the strength, and the experience to do just that. I think one of the things I was MOST upset about, was that other families were having the same things done to them, and they didn’t have that same kind of strength or resources.

5.  Don’t be afraid to use Social Media.
Okay, so this one comes with a story. A couple of them. Part of it is related to #4. I have never been afraid to ask for my friends and family to pray. Set good intention, send good energy, whatever it is,  to keep our situation in their thoughts. Social media is a great way to do that. Being a special needs mom, doesn’t leave me as much time and energy for support groups or prayer groups, or other things I know would be great for me. So I use social media. I have found there to be GREAT success when I gather the troops to pray and think of us. It’s a powerful tool. ALSO…… when things don’t go wrong…… it’s OKAY to talk about via social media. It might even help. I’ll tell you a crazy story about that.

Remember the time I was “VERY VERY UPSET” about something that happened regarding Ben’s transition to high school? Well, after a horrendous morning drop off on the first day, we came home with our Son vowing never to allow him back there again. I was very upset. And yep, I talked about it on Social media. What happened. I don’t think I slammed anyone in particular or shamed them, I just talked about what our morning had been like and how upset I was. It’s what I do. I need to feel connected to people during those times. Social media helps me to do that. But guess what else it did. A Facebook friend who was friends with the principal of the district alerted her to my situation, she literally said, “Hey, what’s going on with Sanders? Are you taking care of this?” Of course, I didn’t know any of that until later. The next day was a HORRENDOUS day for Benjamin with him having some of the worst and longest seizures he’s had in a while.  I got a call from the principal of the district that he was SUPPOSED to go to. She wasn’t happy, but she also knew how unhappy I was and that I had a TREMENDOUS amount of friends and a HUGE support system on Facebook. And she KNEW I had talked about what had happened because her friend told her. She mentioned that to me, asking me to be a bit more selective of who I share MY life with, and then she told me she was releasing us and the district would be paying for Benjamin to go to private special day class that we REALLY REALLY wanted him to go to. He still goes there today and will until he’s 22. The worst day of my life was followed by one of the best. We think of Ben being able to go that school as winning the lottery. It has been one of the BIGGEST blessings of our lives.

So there you have it. It hasn’t always been sunshine and roses, but I’ve never been afraid of IEP’s. I’ve pretty much always gotten what I wanted. But I’ve also always been kind, and appreciative, except those few times I needed not to be. I also totally understand the constraints that they have to work in. They only have so many resources and funds, and they really can’t pay for and provide EVERY SINGLE thing we think is best for our kid. But here’s how I look at it. If any other kid out in the world has gotten this resource, then my kid can have it too. And I will figure out a way to get that done. With Kindness, appreciation, steadfastness, and love. Oh, and maybe a little Facebook posting too.

P.S. If you made it this far, PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT!  Like my Blog Facebook page @Theautismmomma2001 And Share this post with any of your other special needs parent friends!! Thanks for your support! #thisisBen